Growing up I always wanted to be a part of a big family. I am, to a some degree, but we are separated. A lifetime of cirmstances that I was not there to witness has isolated my family. It's unfair to pinpoint one thing that caused all of this, but I can speak to the effects of what it does to a family.
On my mother's side of the family I do not know many of my relatives to this day, which is crazy within itself. On my fathers side, I know all of the children my grandmother had, but I do not know the children my grandad had outside of his relationship with my grandmother. The ones I do know, however, it's mostly surface level. I'm not upset, I understand that things happen over time and if they are not addressed in the instance, separation happens. But on Thanksgiving I would see most of my uncles, aunts, and my grandma. Even though most of us live in New York City, this was the only time I would usually see them all year. On Thanksgiving we were all together in the same place, but we were not all together in that no one really talked to catch up on how everyone else was doing.
My parents divorced when my brother and I were really young. Despite a few minor moments, it was a civil split. They both came to an understanding that they needed to do what was best for my brother and I. Honestly, I'm glad they split when they did. I couldn't understand it then, but now as an adult I get it and it worked out for the better for both of them.
With them splitting came the awkwardness of the holidays. We lived with our mom during the week and went to our fathers house every weekend. On Thanksgiving we would eat first at our house with our mom, and then go with our dad to our aunts and uncles. I would always think about leaving my mom by herself. She's an adult, but it felt off to me. At the end of the night our dad would drop us off and kiss us goodbye until next time. I never liked this growing up. But every year it was the same thing. I remember thinking that one day I'll have my own place and things will be different. As an adult it wasn't something I actively pursued, but I knew I always wanted to host Thanksgiving in my own home.
I moved out my mothers house in 2011 to a nice apartment with space to host. I didn't host the first or second year that I lived there. I didn't plan ahead, nor did I have the funds to make it happen. The following year I thought, I don't have to cook the food I just have to provide the space for everyone to bring there food. It was a disaster. Only my immediate family was involved, so they won't tell me, but I know it was disaster. There wasn't enough food and not enough variety. My dad doesn't eat meat but he eats fish, and the only fish we had was tilapia, which is one of the few fish he doesn’t eat. It was a mess, but it was a step.
I remember talking to myself and saying, alright next year I got it. I'm cooking. It was a big leap for me because at that point, I hadn't cooked a meal of that magnitude before. The cause was important to me, so I said, let's just go for it. Everything turned out great. The food was good and we were together. For the past 4 years I've cooked for Thanksgiving at my house for my immediate family. It has been a great honor of mine to build a space for us to commune together.
I'm still hopeful one day that my entire extended family can have dinner on Thanksgiving together, but more importantly, that we can all live life better together. I would love for my dad’s siblings to join us for Thanksgiving. I would love to have my youngest brother’s mother to join us for Thanksgiving. Currently, he does not see her on Thanksgiving, which bothers me.
I would love to have my wife’s family with us as well. My wife’s parents live in Las Vegas and her sister lives in Tennessee. Elizabeth has not spent a Thanksgiving with them in years because of the travel and taking off work.
Being separated, isolated, and not really knowing each other is not good for us or any family. While I'm waiting for that moment of us all being together, I am content that it's better than it was in the past, and new memories are being made. I could be upset at what has not happened yet, but it's so much more powerful to acknowledge what's currently happening.
Our heart, Elizabeth & I, is that no one would be alone. So our home is open to friends. We have a space big enough to accommodate others, and this year we were able to host 13 people, which is double the size it has been for the past 3 years.
It's much easier to have smaller gatherings every year, but to us it doesn't align with what we believe. To me, Thanksgiving is more than a holiday, its a state of being. For now, its the one day on a calendar year that all of our calendars are clear. My hope is that our fellowship on Thanksgiving will give rise to a year of growing together.
This holiday season, take a painful moment and rewrite it with a new one. I'm not suggesting ignore or dismiss the past. I am simply suggesting that it's time to be more proactive versus reactive. Let's figure out how we can do this together.